Monday, April 2, 2007

How we found out

I first got myself tested when I was 5 days late. I wasn’t going to, but my boss mentioned something about a work trip overseas so I got tested just in case. We didn’t have a “regular” clinic at the time, so pegi je one near to the office. The nurse gave me a dirty cup, without a lid! I was horrified, but went along anyway. The result was negative.

A week later, I had some bleeding which I assumed was my period. Very brief, then same thing happened the next weekend. A bunch of friends thought I should test myself again, so this time I bought a home pregnancy test kit ( I was NOT going to go through the “dirty cup” incident again!). Masa test tu I was in Perak, dekat rumah Opah. My husband excited gila waiting in front of the door while I got tested. I saw TWO red lines coming up, tapi somehow I forgot to read the instruction on how to read the results! So two lines means what?? Cpt2 I went out, told my husband I didn’t know yet, tensionla mamat tu cos dia dah excited sgt nak tau. Then in the room where I kept the box with instructions tu, ramai pulak relatives around. So I secretly took a look, and it turns out….TWO LINES means POSITIVE!!

My husband was sooo excited. So was my father in-law and my father when we told them. My mom and mother in-law seemed more calm. I myself was actually TERRIFIED!

Okay Baby, when you read this, maybe you’re thinking, ape Mummy ni, nak takut apa? Hehe..But truth be told, up to this point in my life, I have NOT hold a newborn in my arms! Seriously, kalau babies yg the neck dah strong tu I’m the first one to offer to pegang the baby, tapi kalau yg really small babies tu, never. I am scared that I will somehow drop the baby or break the neck. Some people when they get pregnant they worry about things like bila nak give birth tu sakitla….or sakit2 time pregnant etc. To me I think being pregnant itself would be a wonderful journey, pain or no pain. You can watch you baby grow and feel her/him move inside of is a bonding experience like no other. As for labour pain, well, ALL your dosa will be wiped clean and you will emerge from the labour with a clean slate like a newborn yourself. Kalau meninggal pun, shahid tu. Nothing to be scared of. Tapi yg I am really really petrified about is whether or not I will be a good mother when the baby comes. I’m really scared I will be a horrible mother and disappoint my baby.

Now, 12 weeks into the pregnancy, yes, I am still terrified. But, I am also very excited and cannot wait to meet my baby. I may not be the perfect mother later, but I promise you Baby, I will try my best.

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