Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I'm having a parenting block today...

I want to be a wonderful mother. I want to be a mother that my children can love and respect. I want to be gentle and treat them with respect too. I want to be selfless and giving. I want to raise creative, thoughtful, kind, well rounded children. I want to be as natural and nurturing with them as I can be. I want to cloth diaper, breastfeed and wear my children. I want to make handmade clothes for them and cook wholesome home made food. I want to tend to my children whenever they need me, and not fall into the common trap of 'leaving them to cry'. I want to discipline them without having to yell and force. I want to homeschool my children and teach them about life. I want to snuggle and kiss them and enjoy every precious moment with them. I want to keep a beautiful, clean and cozy home, full of handmade items that my family will be comfortable in and one that they will treasure for life. I want to enjoy the outdoors with them and teach them about the wonders of God's creations.

I want to be the mother that they deserve.

But instead...

I am not always gentle with them. I can lose my temper in an instant. Sometimes I get frustrated and cry or yell. Sometimes I'm selfish too. I get tired and let my husband take over. I let them watch tv. I stopped cloth diapering Adam a long time ago and only started cloth diapering Mia a week ago. I don't really enjoy cooking, especially with Adam climbing all over me and trying to grab the knife out of my hand. Sometimes I have to leave Mia by herself crying while I tend to Adam. Sometimes she fall asleep while crying and although I feel some relief, I also feel like I want to cry because I feel so sorry for her. Sometimes I have no idea how to discipline Adam. I also have no clue how to homeschool. Sometimes my home looks like chicken coop, and I just don't have the time nor the energy to clean let alone sew handmade things. I find it hard to handle the two of them outdoors by myself.

I am not (yet) the mother that they deserve.

Sometimes as I watch them sleep, I feel regret...I apologise to their soft angelic faces...but i don't think that is enough. I need to change before it is too late. Please someone show me how.


Ms J said...

i thought i'm the only who have the feeling like you described...anyway, aida, we've tried our very best...don't put the blame to yourself...we will never be perfect as we dreamt...we are human...not a saint...try to improve little by little, day by day...and your children will always accept you as you are becoz u r their birthmom...their blood, is your blood...u are always the best mother to them...=)

ween said...

owh. actually u are great enough for ur wonderful babies, kak aida :)

Melina said...

Oh sweetie don't be so hard on yourself. We all aspire to be the perfect mummy but no one is perfect. We can only do the best that we can. You have done your best for your kids and they will adore you regardless of whatever shortcomings you have (mostly confined in your head I might add). It's not easy being a mummy.

As my brother keeps on saying....'My mummy, my best enemy' We would love to be their best friend all the time but then we also need to discipline them and that's when we are the enemy. Even when we act like we are the enemy they still love us to bits.

Your home like a chicken coop?? From the glimpses I get from your photos it most definitely isn't!!! You should come to mine... there are toys everywhere....everywhere I tell you. Not to mention the piles of laundry around the house....washed and unwashed. :)

As for tv, if you keep it to cbeebies I honestly don't see the harm. Cbeebies is great....all very educational. TV is not as evil to children as everyone makes it out to be.

Cooking without kids climbing all over you....I have a stairgate on my kitchen door. Keeps them out and keeps you sane (somewhat). But I do get lots of mummy I need this that and the other.

Crying...sometimes you just have to let them cry.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing your best and you're doing great!


nanin said...

aida, change what? change and become one of the stepford wives?

the things u wrote are exactly what other (most) mothers constantly feel EVERYDAY. but not many mothers out there are courageous enough to do the ultimate sacrifice like you did - leaving a great promising career just to keep the family together. seriously, you've done more than enough.

being a homemaker, my house, my husband & my daughter are my KPIs, my score card. i used to think that i always had to reach a certain level in order to qualify as the perfect mother. so i worked very hard, even to a point where i had a "schedule" (hari isnin vacuum atas bawah, selasa mop, rabu vacuum satu rumah balik etc) to keep my house as clean as possible. itu baru bab kemas rumah, belum lagi jadual menu masak.. i used to care so much about practically everything, wanting everything to be in order. and then one day, everything WAS out of order, so i found myself yelling, shouting & crying so hard over it, i was on the verge of having a breakdown. after crying myself to sleep, i woke up the next morning and suddenly asked myself: hey.. who's judging whether your house is not squeeky clean or if your cooking tastes like crap? it's okay to not be perfect.

and so i spent the whole day that day, not doing a single chore, saje nak test how it would be. and it felt great. i became more relaxed since then, constantly telling myself it's okay to not have it all.

so don't push yourself too hard! chill, okay... you've done great so far!

Ernie Khairina said...


first of all, nobody's perfect..mcm nanin cakap la, u've done great so far.
Here's something to share ; amalkan membaca alfatihah,al-insyirah dan awsy-syurah ayat 19- ayat2 ni tiupkan ke ubun anak2 ketika mereka tdur.

eedachan said...

Relax Aida.. i believe every single mom in this world always dream of being the WonderMum.. we are just human beings.. we are not perfect.. if we are, then there shouldn't be any war going on out there... if everything is so perfect, then there's nothing for us to learn from..

and kids are always kids.. you tell them not to do that and that today.. tomorrow they'll forget..

don't try so hard to be a WonderMum or PerfectMum&Wife.. sometimes the imperfection makes you unique..

kemaryahya said...

fuh...nice comments everybody!
aida, kalo ko nak tau every single entry u posted had taught me about how to be a good mum. and..i keep mentioning to pecol, "takpe2, aida byk pengalaman. baca blog dia je, kita dpt gain something about parenting." see..of course we couldnt be as perfect as what we wish to. but, hell yeah, we always try to be the best mom for our children. so, dont worry about ur messy house (hey, not that too mess ok!), just do what ever u can cope ok.

ummi sa'eed said...

for one, stop reading mommy's blogs with all the wonderful things they do...heh.

i usually get one of those down days when i compare myself to what they write.

it's ok to not be fully in control sometimes.

aidafiqs adamia said...

good to know i'm not the only one feeling this way. tq..

thank you..

those are wise advices..thank you..maybe some of it is confined to my head..

that was no sacrifice. i simply cannot live without my husband. so my 'sacrifice' is really a selfish decision. i did what you did too. as a housewife, it is our kpi to be the perfect mother and wife. that's why we put such high expectations on ourselves. i had schedules and menus too and had breakdowns all the time trying to keep up with it. now i don't keep a strict schedule and i'm still having breakdowns!sigh..

thank you for sharing that..i will try it..

i know i can't be perfect mom..but i just don't want to be so imperfect that my children will hold resentment over me one day and i'll have regrets when it's too late..

alahai malunye ko ckp camtu..i don't know if it's true or not but i will take take it as a compliment. thank you kemar!

ummi saeed,
you know, that's probably the root of my breakdown. I didn't even realise. I was reading Soulemama the night before and yesterday morning i bought her book (the creative family) off of amazon. I felt so inspired and yet...i didn't realise how inferior it made me feel...

ellyWong said...

it's true aida.. you are not alone dear.

there were time when i have to leave insyirah in front of the tv too.. just because i don't have the choice. many times i felt kesian kat insyirah that she has to play and do stuff on her own. if only i could pay for the childcare service so that insyirah can play with kids of her own size. :(

i guess, we can only try our best. and hopefully they understand.

zombiedaddy said...

Hi mak adam&mia,

Let me give you a father's point of view..
If I spent a day taking care of my daughters and it did not involve any trip to the emergency room, I'd consider it a successful day already. And how do I celebrate? By watching Barney for the 239th time with them.

The thing is, breathe, relax and enjoy being a parent.

tuty said...

wahh.. every comment is wonderful and very true.

i am agree to all the comments, and especially to ummi saeed's. every wonderful mom have one success story to blog. but me as a reader, i tried to CD, BF, cook, wash, teach ABC, draw circles, play etc etc.. so i stopped.

i stopped worrying too much how awful my food presentation, how neat the toys box should be etc etc.. the kids are more happy when we just sit and join them play. they are easy to please.

just.. enjoy the now! you just have to know that every mother have the same feeling. adam and mia is fortunate enough to have you when they need a hug. as a working mom, being at home with kids is an ideal job for me.

aidafiqs adamia said...

always a relief to know you're not alone..

zombie daddy,
i like your logic. how come women always have to make things sound so complicated ? ;)

being a housewife is great, but far from ideal. try it, and you'll know what i mean.

farah said...

aida, just being there with them day and night is the best thing that a mom can do, don't pressure yourself too much....i know you're doing your best ;)

Unknown said...

i really understand how u feel.. even now when muizz had his tantrum and give me headache i always compare "canerla org yg ade 2-3 org anak tu".

So, as all the comments here which i totally agreed, just chill out and enjoy being a mom. believe me, these feelings will over very soon! to me u are already perfect dear..with all your sewing, and CD and BF and taking the kids out alone. At least u tried. I only manage to BF. try compare yourself with me instead of those wonderful moms ;)

And yes, jgn selalu bace sgt all those perfect mom punye blog. it will sooner or later make u feel soooo imperfect..

mOmmyofTRIPLETSplusONE said...

you are doing great dear. i always look up at you, being able to take care of ur two lil ones, and still have the time to sew and knit for them, not only that, even for your husband. that's simply amazing to me. something not many moms could do.

and if u feels that ur house is like a chicken coop, wait till u see mine! my house is like being hit by hurricane. and yes i do scream at them too, and even pinch them every now and them for the sake of discpline. being home with them 24/7 is never easy. we have to deal with them without a break. i do have my downs too, and that's when i'll be wishing that husband is around that instant b4 i loose my sanity.

you are doing great there dear.

Shaza Shamsuddin said...

saye pun rasa cam tuh jugak :(

Nurhafizah Fauzi said...

not many of us will get the chance to be a full time mom like u..and I think u've done great!

Anonymous said...

I baru anak sorang dah rasa macam tu jugak.

Aiyo camne ni.

But I still think u're a wonderful mother.

Anonymous said...

I baru anak sorang dah rasa macam tu jugak.

Aiyo camne ni.

But I still think u're a wonderful mother.


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